Reality is a Harsh Mistress
by Shwoo
Summary: When Strong Bad wakes up to find himself in another world, he sets out to discover exactly what is going on. Will he succeed? Probably.
1. Chapter 1

Strong Bad woke up slumped against the keyboard.

"Huh?" he muttered, trying to get his bearings. Then he remembered.

He'd been searching for an email that wasn't total crap to use on his email show. These days, the looking took hours. Today there'd been nothing but emails asking how he typed with boxing gloves on, what his parents looked like, how awesome it would be if he drew Trogdor again... And only one was punctuated correctly, and that one had managed to spell "your" as "ur." It was enough to make a guy bash his head against the desk until he passed out. So he had.

Strong Bad groaned, and started to type again.

_strongba_

He stopped. Something about his gloves felt strange. He glanced down.

"Wah!" said Strong Bad, falling off his stool. "What happened to my gloves?"

His gloves were gone. Instead, he had flesh coloured hands with four fingers and a thumb. Strong Mad hands. And now that he was staring at the ceiling, Strong Bad realised that he could see far more detail than usual. There was a bug trapped in one of the lights, and the ceiling looked dirtier than usual.

Strong Bad stood up slowly and carefully, then angled his computer screen so that he could see his reflection more clearly. He saw a totally unfamiliar and frightened looking young man - a young _human_ - with short, dark hair and green eyes.

Strong Bad looked around wildly. He was still in his computer room, which looked pretty much the same as normal. The biggest difference that he could make out was that The Cheat's lightswitch was missing.

He ran for the door, but it was opened by some guy in a hoodie before he could touch it.

"Who are you?" said Strong Bad, on the verge of panic.

"Uh, I'm Tristan, remember?" said the stranger, in Strong Sad's voice. "Have you been drinking soy sauce again?"

"Tristan?" said Strong Bad, staring at him. "Strong Sad, is that you?"

"Wow, you haven't called me that since we were kids," said probably-Strong-Sad. "Does that mean you're not gonna smear mayonnaise all over my CDs and put dog food in my breakfast any more?"

"No... Weiner," said Strong Bad, feeling a little more comfortable. He was still totally confused and a little scared, but his stupid baby brother was still whinier than... something really... whiny. "Would you mind telling me what's going on?"

Strong Sad sighed irritatingly.

"What's going on is that we're going to be late for practice if you don't hurry up," he said.

"Huh?" said Strong Bad. "No, I mean, why am I not a hot, awesome guy with boxing gloves for hands and a wrestling mask for a face?"

"What?" said Strong Sad.

"And why aren't you a fat grey loser with elephant legs and soft serve flip?" continued Strong Bad.

"Geez Dan, you sure have an active fantasy life," said Strong Sad.

"Dan?" said Strong Bad. His name was _Dan_ now? This was too much. "Shut up! Leave me alone!"

"Okay, fine," said Strong Sad, turning to leave. "But Coach Z says you and Carlos are off the team if you miss another practice."

Strong Bad watched him go, thinking hard. Was he just going crazy? He'd hit his head really hard earlier... If that had really happened. His head still ached, so it probably had.

"Maybe I should go to that practice thing," he muttered. "Coach Z might..."

He stopped talking to himself when he remembered that Coach Z never knew what was happening. After a bit more thought, Strong Bad decided to go anyway. Didn't sports teams have like, cheerleaders and stuff? He was sure that there were cheerleaders in towns with more than one girl. Going sounded like a good idea on those grounds.

-

Strong Bad surveyed the disappointingly hot girl-less field in front of him. Walking through the streets had been a surreal experience for him. Normally, Free Country USA had no streets. There wasn't a lot of point when there were only three houses that existed the whole year round. But on that walk, Strong Bad had seen more houses than he had in his life. Not even Downtown Pantsburg or Historic Over There had been that suburban looking. The construction worker who'd stared at him until he was out of sight had worried him as well. The man had looked suspicously like the Poopsmith. Still, at least the athletics field looked the same, if Strong Bad ignored the houses clustered around it. And it stank the same, too. Or maybe that was just Strong Mad.

Strong Mad was Carlos, apparently. He didn't seem to remember the way things should've been either, but with Strong Mad, who could tell?

"So uh, what sport are we supposed to be playing here?" Strong Bad asked him.

"THE SPORT!" replied Strong Mad, then repeated himself in case Strong Bad hadn't heard. "THE SPORT!"

"Uh, okay," said Strong Bad.

There were a few other people standing around, all of whom looked like idiots. There was a guy with a familiar star shirt and a familiar idiotic expression, a bored looking girl wearing Marzipan's dress, a little weirdo who defied description, and a muscular guy Strong Bad couldn't figure out the identity of. Pom Pom probably. Who else would hang out with those losers?

"Seriously, you guys, I think this is gonna be the best game ever," said Homestar.

"Do you even remember what position you play?" said Pom Pom, not in bubbles.

"Yes," said Homestar indignantly. "Obviously. I play, uh..." he lowered his voice. "What position do I play again?"

"You're the Homestar Runner, remember?" said Marzipan.

Figured.

"Okay then," said a man who was definitely Coach Z. Strong Bad hoped that nobody else would wear a tracksuit in that shade of green. Or manage to pronounce "then" as "thorn". "Let's uh, let's get started."

"Hey, Coach," said Strong Bad, tapping him on the shoulder. "What the crap is going on?"

"Oh, hey Dan!" said Coach Z, turning to face him. "I didn't see ya there."

Not him, too.

"Look, my name is not Dan," said Strong Bad, clenching his fists. "I don't know why you guys think it is, but—"

"Well, what is it this week?" interrupted Strong Sad. "Sir Hotbod Handsomeface? Professor Tor Coolguy?"

"No!" said Strong Bad. "It's Stron— Look, this is obviously a really crappy dream, so I'm just gonna... sit over there until it finishes."

Strong Bad started to walk away. Then he stopped.

"Oh, wait."

He punched Strong Sad in the gut, then walked away.

"What's the matter with him?" said Coach Z.

"He's a sight for a three legged chimney sweep!" said Homsar.

"Shut up, little man," said Homestar.

-

Strong Bad sat on the curb and yawned.

"Gotta wake up so I can do that exciting... email thing... I do... that's exciting..." he mumbled.

He slapped an ant that had crawled onto his leg, and waited to wake up. He was starting to wonder if it he really was dreaming. his dreams usually had many more hot ladies, and much less Strong Sad and Coach Z. Turned generic. Strong Bad turned around to look at Homestar, who was doing what he did best and prancing around like an idiot. If he was dreaming, Homestar should be spontaneously combusting right about... now.

Homestar continued to run around like a moron. He wasn't even on fire. Or smoking a little. Well. Maybe Strong Bad wasn't dreaming. Maybe he'd made up the way things were before and somehow come to believe it. It wouldn't be the first time. And besides, he realised now that it wasn't possible to type with boxing gloves, or pick things up with no hands, or for Strong Sad to still be alive after that incident with the blender... And what kind of a name was "Strong Bad," anyway? It sounded like something from a poorly translated video game. His name was Dan. Yeah.


	2. Chapter 2

A Note: This story takes place before the Strong Bad Email redesign. I forgot to mention that in Chapter 1.

-

Dan returned to the field. He felt only slightly better, since he still couldn't remember anything that he hadn't made up.

"Okay," he said. "I'll ask this one more time. What game are we playing here?"

"Well," began Coach Z.

"It's America's pastime!" interrupted the Homestar Runner moronically.

"Of course it is!" said Coach Z.

"Oh," said Dan. "_That's _what we're playing."

Normally, or whatever, Dan wasn't even on the stupid team. Being on the same team as Homestar Runner was beneath his dignity. But obviously, he'd made that up as well.

Practice turned out to be both boring and frustrating. Not only did The Homestar Runner upstage Dan in everything he did, but everything he did made no sense. There were five different types of balls, three different types of goals, and points were scored for practically anything, up to and including beating up Str—Tristan. Not that Dan minded doing that.

Finally, they were paired up and instructed to toss basketballs to each other, for no reason that Dan could see. He was beginning to suspect that Coach Z was making it up as he went along. Dan had been paired with the Dumbstar Stupider for some reason, but it was a lot more fun and interesting to watch Tristan getting pelted with basketballs by Carlos. Now that was entertainment.

Suddenly, a ball flew towards him. Dan caught it reflexively.

"Come oooooon!" whined the Homestar Runner. "Throw the freaking baaaaall!"

"Okay, okay," said Dan. "Sheesh."

He threw the ball at the Homestar Runner, but it just bounced off his chest. Dan retrieved the ball and threw it again, harder. The Homestar Runner didn't move to catch it at all.

"Oh, I wasn't ready," he said.

Who would've thought anyone could be too stupid to catch a ball? Even Dan's imaginary Homestar wasn't that dumb. Most of the time. Dan sighed and threw the basketball at the Homestar Runner again. It made a satisfying thump as it hit him in the face.

"Ow!" the Homestar Runner said. "Um, I think your ball is broken."

"No, I think your brain is broken," said Dan. "You're supposed to catch it, stupid!"

"What's... catching?" said the Homestar Runner, narrowing his eyes and trying to look shrewd.

"You know," said Dan irritably. "When you hold out your hands before the ball, or the brick, or the safe smacks into you."

"Oooooh, my hands..." said the Homestar Runner, staring at them like he'd never seen them before. "Thanks, Strong Bad!"

"Yeah, stop talking now," said Dan, turning back to the entertainment just in time to see Tristan get his nose broken. Then he realised what he'd just heard. "Wait, what did you call me?!"

"Oh right, right," said the Homestar Runner. "I mean, um, I mean whatever your name is now."

"Call me that again!" said Dan.

Either he wasn't crazy after all, or the Homestar Runner was the exact same type of crazy. Dan hoped it was the first one. He'd never liked the name Dan. It sounded like the name of some loser who'd email him something stupid. And also, he hated this reality so far and wanted it go back to the way it was. He didn't feel nearly as awesome as usual around here.

"Call you what? Stong Bah?" the Homestar Runner was saying.

"Eh... Close enough," said Strong Bad, forcing himself to pay attention. Maybe Homestar knew something. "Homestar, do you have any idea what's going on?"

"I know I drank too much melonade last night," said Homestar.

Or maybe not.

"Last night," said Strong Bad. "When you still had no arms and I was still super hot and super, um, bald?"

"Something like that, I guess," said Homestar.

"And... What happened last night?" said Strong Bad.

"Well, I was just going home from Marshmallow's Last Stand when I remembered you stole my keys," said Homestar.

"Uh huh," said Strong Bad.

"So I went to visit the Poopsmith," continued Homestar.

"Gross."

"And then I decided to camp out at the ol' Athletics Field," said Homestar. "After I set fire to the bleachers somehow, I had a long nap. When I woke up, there was a bunch of grass stains all over me! So I tried to shake 'em off, but—"

"Wait," said Strong Bad. "You set fire to the bleachers."

"Yeah, right over there," said Homestar, jerking his head to the right.

Strong Bad looked. He noticed that some girls sitting on the grass now, but no bleachers. He couldn't tell if they were hot from where he was standing, but they did look familiar. Maybe they were the cheerleaders.

"Homestar," he said, looking back at Homestar. "There never were any bleachers there."

"Oh," said Homestar. "Well, maybe I made that part up. But I did have some grass stains when I woke up!"

"Yeah, that's great," said Strong Bad. "So when you woke up, this crap was happening?"

"Yeah, pretty much. Marzipan just said I was hallucinating again," said Homestar. He squinted back at the imaginary bleachers. "Strong Bad, I think those girls are waving at you."

Strong Bad did a double take, then grinned. They were definitely waving. They could've been waving at Homestar, but what were the chances of that?

"I'll be right back," he said, throwing the ball at Homestar again. He almost caught it this time.

-

As Strong Bad got closer and saw who the girls were, his grin faded slightly. Now he knew why they looked familiar.

"It's an olda boy!" said So And So, before Cheerleader shoved her out of the way.

"I'm Jennifer, and they already have boyfriends!" said Cheerleader.

"Aw, why couldn't Ali and Ali's sister have been here instead?" said Strong Bad, mostly to himself. "On the other hand, you guys are a lot hotter as not stick figures."

"He called me hot..." said The Ugly One dreamily.

Strong Bad recoiled. The Ugly One still lived up to her name. Cheerleader, on the other hand... she was pretty good looking now that she had a nose. She was a few years younger than him, but so what? She was hot!

"Well uh, Jennifer," said Strong Bad in his best seductive voice, "Why don't you and I go someplace... makey-outier?"

Cheerleader stuck her tongue out at her friends as she and Strong Bad walked off.

"That guy wasn't wearing a shirt," observed What's Her Face.

"That guy wasn't wearing any underwear," replied The Ugly One.

So And So and What's Her Face gave her a weird look.

-

Back on the field, Coach Z had either run out of inane activities or passed out, which had stopped the exciting training action for the day. Homestar was compensating by having an inane conversation with Marzipan.

"Five days later, my jaw was still hurting," he said.

"You still haven't told me who Homsar is," replied Marzipan.

"Hey, Homestar," said Strong Bad, coming up behind Homestar and coughing discreetly. "You wouldn't happen to know where I could get some, uh, mouthwash, would you? Or a mint?"

It turned out that Cheerleader had really bad breath. Strong Bad decided to draw her getting FRESH BREATH'D when things went back to normal. Maybe that would help.

"Why don't you ask your magical computer?" said Homestar, turning his back on Marzipan.

"Hey, I never thought of that!" said Strong Bad, surprised. "Maybe the Lappy knows what's going on!"

"About mouthwash?" said Marzipan, who looked both confused and annoyed.

Strong Bad wondered whether he should make Homestar come with him. He was annoying, and an idiot, but at least he didn't think Strong Bad was crazy. He might even need some sort of lackey eventually, and he hadn't found The Cheat yet.

"Come on, El Dorko," said Strong Bad, exiting stage left.

"I'm the dorko!" said Homestar, following him.

"Don't forget the big game's on tonight!" said Coach Z suddenly, after Homestar almost tripped over him.

"Ooh, you mean the one with cameras from the television," said Homestar.

"Cameras?" said Strong Bad. He looked down at himself. "No way am I going on TV looking like this!"

"So I heard you were looking for some mouthwash there, Dan?" said Coach Z, producing a bottle of Listerine.

"Thanks, Coach," said Strong Bad, snatching the bottle. "I was wondering when you'd show your creepy side."

-

Strong Bad sat down in front of the Lappy and stared at the screen. The curser blinked on and off.

"Hello?" he said. "Lappy?"

The computer stayed silent.

"I made your favourite!" he said, holding a box of hushpuppies in front of the computer screen. He'd picked it up from some corner store he'd never seen before, but the Lappy didn't need to know that.

Still no response. Strong Bad glanced upwards.

"The Paper?" he said. "Preeeeoooow?"

Nothing happened. Shaken, Strong Bad looked back at the computer.

"Okay, let's try this," he said. He opened his email client while singing, "I'm gonna check, check my email..."

An email appeared onscreen, to Strong Bad's surprise. If strongbademail.exe still worked, did that mean The Paper could still come down? He read the email aloud, the way he always did.

"Hey Dan. I need to crash at ur place for the night. That cool? From, Teh C."

Strong Bad stopped reading.

"Teh C? The Cheat?" he said, then started typing. Maybe he wouldn't need Homestar after all. "Sure thing, man. You can come over right now. And... bring some boxing gloves, okay?"

He sent the email. The Paper failed to come down.

"That was one short email," said Homestar, who was sitting on the edge of Strong Bad's desk. "I didn't even get to say anything funny."

"Okay, go ahead," said Strong Bad, leaning back and checking for The Paper again. He was fed up with Homestar's stupidity already.

"Uh... watermelon," said Homestar.

"Watermelon," said Strong Bad.

"Oh, wait," said Homestar, screwing up his face. "Cantaloupe...?"

His mouth moved for a few seconds.

"Oh no! I've lost my funny!" he said, jumping off the desk and running around the room.

Strong Bad ignored him. He was beginning to accept that maybe The Paper wasn't coming.


	3. Chapter 3

**Tristan Strong's Litany of Crushed Hopes and Dreams**

**Subject:** Lotsa Weirdness

_posted at 3:42pm_

**current mood:** Puzzled

**current tunes:** Pink Floyd - Goodbye Blue Sky

A lot of weird stuff has been happening today. For one thing, Dan and that Victor guy have been hanging out together even though they hate each other. Well, Dan hates Victor. I thought they were planning another robbery so I told Dan I wasn't bailing him out again, but he just looked confused.

But that's not the most unusual thing. Dan called me Strong Sad and said I had elephant feet earlier, which is pretty much normal for him. But since then I keep thinking he's right, and I do have soolnds. That's they should be called. Elephant feet sounds so insulting. Oh, sorry about that. So anyway, I guess I've just lost it. Yeah, that's probably it.

In other news, I have a broken nose.

-

The Cheat adjusted his cap so that his black eye was less visible, then rang the doorbell to his second home. He was instantly tackled by a purple blur.

"THE CHEAT!" said Carlos, hugging The Cheat tightly.

"Hey, big guy," said The Cheat.

He squirmed a little.

"You're crushing my ribs," he added.

"UUUH?" said Carlos, but put The Cheat back down.

The Cheat showed Carlos the boxing gloves he was holding.

"I need to give your brother these," he said. "Don't know why."

Probably a boxing scam, he thought, as he and Carlos entered the basement. The Cheat glanced around the room in case anything

had been stolen, but everything looked normal, except for the guy who was lying on the ground and crying. The Cheat recognised him as Victor, an idiot he ripped off sometimes. What he was doing there, The Cheat didn't know. Dan was sitting on the couch, playing a video game from the previous decade.

"Hey man," said The Cheat. "I brought those gloves you wanted. Took me a while to find the right colour."

Dan glanced around and dropped the controller.

"Now that's what I'm talking about!" he said, grabbing the gloves and putting them on. "That's much better!"

"WHA?" said Carlos.

The Cheat shrugged. So it was just Dan being weird, like everyone else in Free Country. Happened all the time.

"I mean, I would've preferred red over purple, but—" began Dan, then did a double take. "Whoa! The Cheat! You're a little

kid!"

That, on the other hand, did not happen all the time.

"I've been twelve all year, stupid," said The Cheat. "What's up with you today?"

Dan looked irritated at being addressed as "stupid", but what was he going to do? Hit him? The Cheat braced himself just in

case.

"Uh, The Cheat," said Dan instead, rubbing the back of his head. "I gotta tell you someth—"

"My funny! Where are you?" interrupted Victor suddenly.

The Cheat glanced at him, then looked back at Dan.

"Shut up, Homestar!" said Dan. "I'm talking to my main The Cheat here."

"Will you find my funny, The Cheat like kid?" said Victor, falling to his knees in front of The Cheat.

"You were never funny!" said The Cheat, leaning back. "Now get away from me!"

Victor looked at The Cheat in confusion.

"Oh. Right," he said, calming down slightly. "I forgot."

"Dan, what's he doing here?" said The Cheat. He glanced at the TV. "You're getting owned by Moblins."

Dan quickly hit pause.

"Those are Wizzrobes!" he said. "Guy wouldn't know an Octorok from a Stalfos if..."

"Didn't you have something to tell me?" interrupted The Cheat.

"Oh, yeah," said Dan. "Well, The Cheat, it's a long story..."

Dan talked for fifteen minutes straight. The Cheat tried to look like he was paying attention. Victor took a nap behind the

couch.

"Right, sure," said The Cheat when Dan had finished. He waved a hand dismissively.

"I can't make this stuff up!" said Dan. "Well, I guess I can, but... It's true, okay? Take a look."

Dan scribbled on a Post-It note and gave it to The Cheat, who inspected it. Dan's drawing depicted a big guy with a face in

the middle of his chest, a shorter guy with boxing gloves on and a head the size of his body, and a little spotted thing. It was captioned with the word "us". There was also some sort of armless and heavily injured creature on the ground, which was captioned "dumbstar".

"Which one's supposed to be me?" said The Cheat, looking at it upside down. "The headless dude?"

"This little guy," said Dan, indicating the spotted thing with his thumb. "C'mon, The Cheat! Don't you remember the time when

we gave Coach Z sour cream and The Cheat hair, and we told him it was icecream?"

"No," said The Cheat. "Do _you_ remember the time we stole most of Bubs' stock and sold it back to him at double the

price?"

"Uh... No," said Dan. "Wait. Bubs is here? And he's called Bubs?"

The Cheat rolled his eyes. He was worried about Dan. He didn't believe his story about their being cartoon characters, but it seemed like he'd lost his memory somehow. Maybe he'd hit his head or something.

"Yeah, Bubs exists," he said. "He sold you those boots!"

Dan looked down.

"I didn't get these boots from Bubs!" he said. "These are my boots!"

"Which you got from Bubs," said The Cheat.

"No, I mean these are my boots!" insisted Dan. "I was born with these boots, man!"

"It's true!" said Victor, sitting up suddenly.

"No. You weren't," said The Cheat.

Dan opened his mouth, then shook his head.

"Never mind!" he said. "Uh... Hey The Cheat, do you think _your_ computer knows something?"

The Cheat took a second to translate Dan's words from gibberish to English.

"So you... wanna look at my flash cartoons?" he guessed.

"Uh... why not?" said Dan. "Gotta look at all the... plausibilities. Or something. Hey, Homestar!"

Victor saluted.

"Co-lo-nel Homestar Runner reporting for duty!" he said.

"You go... detect everyone I hate," said Dan.

"Yes, sir!" said Victor, running out of the room.

The Cheat stared at Dan, then at Carlos, who'd been inspecting his fingernails for the past twenty minutes. He wondered if

Carlos knew the number of the local insane asylum.

"My computer's up this way," said The Cheat after a few seconds. He led the way out of the basement. "Remember? You let me

keep it here 'cause otherwise my stepdad would sell it?"

"No, I let you keep it here because it wouldn't fit in the King of Town's grill," said Dan. "Remember?"

"Whatever you say, Senor Loco," muttered The Cheat, entering his computer room. Which was also the laundry room.

Dan muttered something under his breath.

The Cheat brought his prized computer, Tangerine Dreams, out of stand-by, and opened his flash movies folder. Then he opened

the These Peoples Try To Fade Me video he'd made for Coach Z a while back. Coach Z had liked it, at least.

Bright colours filled the screen, and Coach Z's speech impediment filled the air.

"Hey, I remember this!" said Dan after a minute or two. "Only Coach Z has a mouth... And more hair."

"Cool, isn't it?" said The Cheat.

"No."

The Cheat closed the cartoon with a sigh, and opened another that he was very proud of. Dan had said this one was good. Kind of.

"I did the voices for this one," he said.

"PURE GENIUS!" said Carlos.

"Hey Dan! I need to be kicked in the face," said the cartoon Victor.

"I can do it! I will do it nine times," said the cartoon Dan.

"Uh, yeah," said the real Dan. "I think your voice acting needs some... good voice acting."

"What are you talking about?" said The Cheat. "It sounds just like you!"

"If by "me" you mean "A vole with acute laryngitis," then yeah. It does sound like me," said Dan. "So... If you barely know

Homestar here, why'd you put him in your cartoon?"

The Cheat assumed he meant Victor.

"I dunno," he said. "It was funny?"

"And why am I—" said Dan.

"Shut up, this is my favourite part," said The Cheat suddenly.

"Don't you sass me!" snapped Dan, but he did shut up.

"Three trophies for The Cheat!" said the cartoon versions of Dan, Victor and Coach Z.

"The Cheat, this is the greatest cartoon in the whole world! Have a trophy!" said another cartoon Dan.

"Thanks, man!" said the cartoon The Cheat.

The movie ended.

"Uh... what happened to Eh! Steve?" said Dan.

"A what?" said the Cheat.

"Oh, never mind!" said Dan, running a finger through his hair. "Look, The Cheat. You wanna do good voicing acting, you gotta do it like this;" he spoke in a falsetto, "I have a crush on every boy!"

"Oh, yeah," said The Cheat. "Your comic thing. I converted one of them into a Flash cartoon too. Remember that?"

"You mean Teen Girl Squad?" said Dan. "Yeah, I remember..."

"I think it turned out real good—Dan? Something wrong?"

Dan had started holding his throat and coughing uncontrollably. Carlos slapped him on the back, knocking him into the wall.

"Uh, thanks Strong Mad," said Dan, slightly muffledly. He stood up. "I just made out with Cheerleader!"

"You made out with a figment of your imagination?" said The Cheat, shifting his chair away slightly.

"No... Yes..." said Dan. "I-I, she was at practice today, but she said her name was Jennifer!"

"So she was some girl named Jennifer you thought was Cheerleader," said The Cheat. "Chill."

Dan didn't chill.

"You don't understand..." he mumbled, bashing his head on the keyboard a couple of times.

"Hey!" said The Cheat, irritated by Dan's ramblings. He glanced at the movie that had been highlighted by Dan's keyboard abuse, which was titled sbemail87.swf. He didn't remember making it, watching it, or even naming it. "You seen this before? Where're sbemails 1 through 86?"

"Sbemail?!" said Dan, looking up quickly.

"Yeah, sbemail87," said The Cheat. "You've heard of it?"

"Let me see that!" said Dan, grabbing the mouse and clicking on the movie.

The Cheat guessed he'd forgotten about Cheerleader now. The movie started.

"Who's that?" asked The Cheat.

It looked a little like the boxing gloves guy Dan had drawn on the Post-It note.

"Hey, that's me!" said Dan excitedly. "And I'm checkin' my email! Kinda."

The Cheat stared. He did kind of remember doing something like this. He would've thought that he'd dreamed it, if he'd ever had a good night's sleep since seeing that one documentary. It was very familiar, though. Very very familiar.

Suddenly The Cheat wasn't sitting on his chair. He was standing on it. He glanced to the left, then the right. Dan, who'd apparently turned into the boxing gloves guy, was still watching the cartoon, and didn't seem to have noticed anything wrong. He tried to talk, but it came out as "Ammamingning, marramo!"

The Cheat began to panic.

"Mirri obasi mirra oh? Merrahoh! Herri ahoh!"

And then everything returned to normal, and Dan was looking at him with something almost like concern.

"Whoa! The Cheat!" he said. "Cool out on the seizures!"

"Mehra ke—" began The Cheat, then shook his head violently and tried to speak again. "Didn't you see that?"

"See what?" said Dan. "Your crappy email?"

"I worked hard on that!" said The Cheat without thinking.

"Oh, I thought you couldn't remember it!" said Dan sarcastically.

"I didn't..." said The Cheat, then noticed that the background noise of his cartoon had stopped. "Mah?"

The movie had closed itself somehow, so The Cheat examined the folder it had been in. It had vanished. The Cheat stared at

the screen blankly for a second. He was remembering a lot of things that hadn't happened. Things like making that cartoon...

''The Cheat was animating the scene with Bubs when Strong Bad came up behind him.

"Hey The Cheat," he said. "I need you to go spraypaint Trogdor onto Strong Sad again."''

The memory ended abruptly halfway through The Cheat's reply, but it did match what Dan had told him perfectly. Great. Now he was crazy too.

"I guess I believe you now, Strong Bad," said The Cheat carefully. He didn't want to overexcite the crazy man.

"Whoa. You do?" said Dan. "I thought it would take way more dollars and pleading than that."

The Cheat shrugged. He didn't really want to talk his hallucination-or-whatever-it-was to Dan. Or all the other stuff he was

suddenly remembering. Lightswitch raves? Some noise that a stool made becoming a celebrity? That was almost as crazy as anything Dan had told him, but he felt it was true. He tried to think.

"Guess I should show you around or something," he said.

"What for?" said Dan, slapping the computer. "This computer is obviously hiding something."

"Computers can't think," said The Cheat.

At least, they couldn't here.

"Really? Are you sure?"

"Yes!"

"Well, that sucks," said Dan. "What if you need a girlfriend and all the ladytypes think you're a... Not that that's ever happened to me. That was just hypothetical. Nope, all the ladies still want a piece of me."

"Sure..." said The Cheat, who'd seen his friend trying to pick up girls.

Dan kicked him in the shin.

"Ow!" said The Cheat, rubbing his leg. "What'd you do that for?"

"I dunno," said Dan. "It's kinda what I do."

"You are crazy," reiterated The Cheat, but he wasn't so sure anymore.


	4. Chapter 4

Homestar ran. And as he ran, he thought. How could he remind everyone of when stuff was fun? Singing his theme song felt like it would work. After all, everyone knew his theme song! He started to sing at the top of his lungs.

"Homestar Runner  
Really great!  
Homestar Runner  
I forget!  
Spin my buzzer  
Pom Pom stew!  
Homeschool Winner  
Witch's brew!"

That sounded about right, thought Homestar. He stopped singing and started to wonder where he was going. Then he got bored with wondering that, and started thinking about what he'd had for dinner the night before. Marzipan had made it, whatever it was supposed to be, so it hadn't tasted any good at all. After he'd said so, Marzipan had kicked him out of the house for the fourth night that week. Or was it the eleventh night that week?

"Victor?" said a voice, which Homestar ignored. "Victor!"

Someone grabbed his thing. His arm. That was the word. Arm. Homestar looked around and was confused for a second, until he remembered that things looked different now.

"Oh, hey Pom Pom," he said. "Um... Does Strong Bad hate you? I forgot."

"Victor, I'm worried about you," said Pom Pom. "I think you need professional help."

Homestar laughed.

"That's funny, Pom Pom," he said. "You're a funny guy."

"I'm serious," said Pom Pom. "And stop calling me Pom Pom."

Homestar concentrated. For all of three seconds.

"Doesn't Strong Bad hate the King of Town?" he wondered. "Maybe I should go talk to the King of Town!"

Pom Pom hesitated.

"Let me take you to him," he said, leading Homestar into a nearby house.

"Thanks, Pom Pom! You're a real friend!" said Homestar.

Belatedly, he became suspicious.

"Hey... Wait a minute!" he said. "The King of Town lives in a castle!"

"Of course he does," said Pom Pom soothingly, taking Homestar into the living room. It had a picture hanging on the wall with "Thank you" written on. It also had Marzipan sitting on the couch, looking annoyed. She still had legs. Homestar couldn't stop staring.

"Uh..." he said. He knew he should be apologising for something he'd done, but he couldn't remember what. He never could. "I know Strong Bad hates you!"

"What?" said Marzipan, looking angrier than before.

"Who is Strong Bad?" said Pom Pom.

"You know!" said Homestar. "That one email guy!"

"I think Daniel Strong used to call himself Strong Bad when he was a kid," said Marzipan.

Pom Pom looked thoughtful. Homestar yawned, and decided that now was a good time to start detecting like Strong Bad had told him. Normally, being told to do something by Strong Bad was no reason to do it, but this time Homestar thought Strong Bad knew what he was doing. Which was more than Homestar did.

"So, Marzipan, have you ever experienced a, um, an unsettling... memory?" he said carefully.

That sounded pretty good.

"Do you think that Dan is playing a prank on him?" said Pom Pom.

"Yes, I think he is," said Marzipan. "Remember when Dan and Carlos and The Cheat told Victor the sky was green?

"The sky's not green?!" said Homestar, then remembered what he was doing and turned to face Pom Pom. "How about you, Pom Pom?"

"Yes, Dan has done things like this before," said Pom Pom.

Marzipan nodded.

"Do either of you have any me-mor-ies of being, like, a broom or a... big fat yellow guy?" said Homestar.

"Did D— Strong Bad tell you that, sweetie?" said Marzipan.

"No!" said Homestar indignantly. "I told me that!"

"And what did Strong Bad tell you your name was?" said Pom Pom.

"Uh... I think he said it was Edgardo or something," said Homestar. "But I know my name is Homestar Runner!"

"No, that's your position on the team," said Pom Pom. "Your _name_ is Victor."

"Oh, I think it's still Homestar," said Homestar. "Homestar Runner."

Pom Pom sighed and shook his head.

-

"Okay, so where are we going?" said Strong Bad to The Cheat, as the three of them walked down the seemingly endless streets.

"Bubs'."

"All right!" said Strong Bad. "I actually like that guy! Uh, most of the time."

"I know," said The Cheat.

They kept walking. A few minutes passed uneventfully. Strong Bad wondered how anybody could possibly live in such a boring town.

"The Cheat, is there any green in this place?" he said. "Like, at all?"

He was no tree hugger, but all the suburban development was getting to him.

"RAH?" said Strong Mad, and pointed to the scoreboard of the athletics field, which was just visible over the roof of some house.

"_Other_ than the athletics field!" said Strong Bad.

"Nope," said The Cheat cheerfully. "There's this empty lot we hang out in, but it's—"

"It's Strong Badia?" said Strong Bad. "Tell me it's Strong Badia!"

"No, it's just an empty lot!" said The Cheat.

"Okay, whatever," said Strong Bad, not interested in the idea of hanging out someplace that wasn't named after him.

They stopped in front of a shabby little building with its windows broken. It was located in a whole street full of shabby little buildings with their windows broken.

"We're here," said The Cheat.

"Whoa," said Strong Bad. "Bubs' Concession Stand got a whole lot more down-market."

"He has one of them too," said the Cheat, for some reason in The Cheat. "But most of his stuff doesn't fit... what?"

Strong Bad and Strong Mad were staring at him.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" said Strong Mad.

"Don't... do that," said Strong Bad. "It's creepy."

"Do what?" said The Cheat, in English. "What're you being crazy about now?"

"Never mind!" said Strong Bad angrily.

Strong Bad wasn't crazy. More like, The Cheat was crazy... Crazy guy...

They went inside. The shop was dusty, filled with junk, and looked as though nobody had set foot in it since 1987. Or maybe even 1986.

"Hello?" Strong Bad called. "Bubs?"

His voice echoed back at him.

"You sure this is the right place, The Cheat?"

"Meh," confirmed The Cheat.

Strong Bad peered over the dusty counter just as a big, rumpled looking man with an untucked shirt came up from behind it.

"Wah!" said Strong Bad, jumping backwards.

"Now what can I get you gentlemen today?" said the man cheerfully.

"Bubs?" hazarded Strong Bad.

"That's me!" said Bubs.

Strong Bad chose his words carefully.

"So, Bubs..." he said. "You wouldn't happen to have any sort of a... plot device, would you?"

People in this place seemed to have no idea they were cartoon characters, but it couldn't hurt to ask.

"Lucky for you, I got one in just yesterday!" said Bubs unexpectedly.

He produced a remote control and pressed the big red button. A robot that had been sitting against the far wall leaned in their direction.

"Hello," it said. Then it shut down.

Strong Bad stared at it. It didn't look like it was going to be starting up again any time soon.

"Uh... I was kinda thinking of something a little more... useful," he said.

"I've got just the thing!" said Bubs. He placed a bottle full of pink liquid on the counter. "The very latest in virus protection software!"

Strong Bad opened the bottle and sniffed its contents.

"Yeah, this is just melonade," he said.

"AND it's a dihydrogen monoxide supplement!" said Bubs. "That'll be twenty bucks!"

"What?!" said Strong Bad.

He didn't have twenty bucks, unless he'd become a fiftyaire while he was turning into some guy with hair and fingers.

"You smell it, you bought it," said Bubs.

"How about... Five bucks?" said The Cheat suddenly.

"Twenty-five!" said Bubs.

"The Cheat..." whispered Strong Bad.

"I know what I'm doing," said The Cheat.

-

"Okay Victor, I need you to draw a little picture for me," said Marzipan, giving Homestar a sheet of paper and a crayon.

"What for?" said Homestar, laughing. "That sounds really lame."

Marzipan just looked annoyed again. Homestar took the crayon and yawned. He searched for something for something interesting to look at. Detecting was turning out to far too boring. He was just about ready to give it up when he saw someone. Homestar was sure he hadn't been there before.

"Hey, hoodie man!" said Homestar. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Uh... ten minutes?" said hoodie man.

"Oh, hey Strong Sad," said Homestar unenthusiastically, recognising his voice.

Now things would get even more boring.

"What?" said Strong Sad. "That's the second time today!"

"I invited Tristan over because he knows a lot about being pranked," said Marzipan, trying to sound happy.

"That's pretty much the story of my life..." said Strong Sad.

"And I couldn't get through to a psychiatrist," added Marzipan.

Homestar tried to think of a way to escape while they were talking words.

"Uh... I think I'm late for my TV show," he said, looking around for a clock.

"You don't have a TV show," said Strong Sad.

"Yeah I do," said Homestar. "It's called, The Shoooooow. I even had the Geddup Noise on it a few times!"

Strong Sad looked at Marzipan. Marzipan shrugged.

"You know!" said Homestar, starting to get annoyed. "I won that whateveritwas I gave you for our anniversary from it!"

"You didn't give me anything for our anniversary," said Marzipan.

"Oh, right, right," said Homestar. "Well how about that other whateveritwas I gave you for Valentine's Day?"

"You didn't give her anything for Valentines day!" said Strong Sad.

"Oh," said Homestar. He was sure he had, but he was sure of lot of things that turned out to be wrong. "Well... Bye!"

He stood up, intending to run away, but Marzipan grabbed his arm and forced him back down again.

"You're not going anywhere, mister," she said.

"Aw..." said Homestar, hanging his head.

-

"How'd you get Bubs to accept pencil shavings as payment?" said Strong Bad suspiciously, clutching the bottle of melonade.

The Cheat shrugged. Then he grinned and pointed to a poster, which depicted a bunch of familiar looking people standing around and holding big guns.

"You know who those guys are?" he said.

"No," said Strong Bad.

He really didn't care, either.

"They're my heroes," enthused The Cheat. "I'm gonna join them when I'm old enough."

Strong Bad squinted at the poster, slightly curious. There was writing on it, but it was tiny, and very difficult to read. The font size had probably been reduced to make room for bigger guns. He thought it said, "DO YOU HAS?", but he hoped it didn't. Bad grammar still made him want to grit his teeth and make fun of the bad... grammarian. It took a few seconds, but he thought he'd figured out who these people were normally.

"Are they... the Cheat Commandos?" he said. "Since when did those guys use guns?"

They were dressed almost like the Cheat Commandos. The one that resembled Fightgar, for example, was wearing a t-shirt, jeans and shoes, along with a headband and an ammo belt. As Strong Bad didn't see a date or any actors' names on the poster, he thought it was either real, or a very crappy movie poster.

"They're an elite fighting force, sworn to protect the world from terrorists!" said The Cheat.

"Terrorists, huh?" said Strong Bad. "Then what are they doing here? This place is a dump. I mean literally. It's a dump."

He indicated a burnt out car on the other side of the road.

"Never thought about it before," said The Cheat. "Hey! It's your boyfriend!"

He pointed across the street, at the man who was just extracting himself from the burnt out car.

"What?!" said Strong Bad angrily. "I'm not dating no guy!"

He realised that the man The Cheat was pointing to was an ugly, dumpy guy with a beer belly and a comb-over. The man was now walking towards them and dragging a plastic bag behind him.

"Woah! Is that Senor Cardgage?" said Strong Bad.

Apparently Senor Cardgage was real here as well, something Strong Bad had never been sure of back in the real world.

"Hello, Lianessa," mumbled Senor Cardgage, when he got close enough. "Won't you kind girls take a few candy bars off my gloves?"

He offered Strong Mad a partially melted chocolate bar, which Strong Bad snatched. He dimly registered that Strong Mad was running away screaming, but he was focused more on unwrapping the chocolate bar with boxing gloves on. Fingers were way more useful than he'd realised.

"Carlos?" said The Cheat. "Carlos, come back!"

"Uh, The Cheat, would you open this for me?" said Strong Bad, giving The Cheat the chocolate bar.

The Cheat gave it back.

"We gotta find Carlos... Strong Mad," said The Cheat. "Then I'll open your creepy candy bar."

"Yeah, I guess that guy can't survive on his own for very long," said Strong Bad distractedly. Who would have thought that boxing gloves could hinder him so much?


	5. Chapter 5

Homestar forced his eyes open for the hundred and twenty seventh time, then let them close. Marzipan was still talking words at him, and he was so bored. He wished the world would hurry up and go back to the way it was. He was getting impatient.

"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

Homestar opened his eyes. That sounded like something interesting and fun! He glanced out the window and caught a glimpse of someone running past.

"Victor, are you listening to me?" Marzipan was saying. "I said, I think you have amnesia."

"No," said Homestar. "Who's that guy?"

He used his arm to point out the window.

"That sounded like my brother Carlos," said Strong Sad uncertainly.

"Oh Strong Sad, you don't have a brother named Carlos!" laughed Homestar.

Strong Sad was quiet for a second, then he said, "How about Strong Mad?"

"Yeah, I think you have one of those," said Homestar, losing interest.

"Homestar, how do you know he used to be called that?" said Strong Sad. "You didn't move here until eighth grade!"

"Uh... cause that's what everyone called him?" said Homestar. Even he knew that was a stupid question.

Then the doorbell rang.

"I'll get it, I guess," said Strong Sad, standing up and leaving the room. A few seconds later, Homestar heard the kid who looked like The Cheat say, "You see Carlos run past here?"

"Oh, what are you two doing here?" said Strong Sad, from the hall. "And why are you wearing those boxing gloves?"

"I'd ask you the same questions, Dumpoman," said Strong Bad's voice. "Except for the... boxing gloves one. I mean... Uh..."

Homestar heard a thump.

"Ow!" said Strong Sad. "I'm here because Michelle invited me over!"

"What?" said Strong Bad, coming into the living room with The Cheat. "The Cheat! You told me this was Marzipan's house!"

"Daniel, get out my house," said Marzipan coldly.

"Oh," said Strong Bad. "Hey, where I come from, people barge into people's houses all the time!"

"You come from here," said Marzipan.

"That's what you think, but—"

"Have you people seen Carlos or not?" said The Cheat, thumping the sofa.

Strong Sad came in, pressing his head with one hand. Homestar laughed. He was stupid looking.

"He just ran past here," he said. "Do you have any ice? First my nose and now my temple..."

"Shut up," said Strong Bad impatiently.

"Let me get you some ice, Strong Sad," said Marzipan, glaring at Strong Bad again. "Victor, make sure they don't steal anything, okay?"

"Don't do wha?" said Homestar, but Marzipan and Strong Sad had left.

"Come on, The Cheat," said Strong Bad. "At least now we know we're going in the right direction."

He pocketed something off of Marzipan's mantelpiece, and started to leave the room. Homestar stopped wondering what Marzipan had asked him to do, and realised that this might be his only chance to get out of here.

"Can I come?" he said, falling to his knees dramatically. "Pleeeaaase can I come? I'm so bored!"

"No," said Strong Bad.

"I'll be your best friend!" said Homestar.

"Even if I wanted you as a friend, I'll still say no," said Strong Bad. "Uh, wait, I guess if I wanted you as a friend, I'd—"

"Let him come!" said The Cheat impatiently. "Carlos could be in Tijuana by now!"

"Tijuana?" said Strong Bad. "Isn't that like, in Canada?"

The Cheat made a frustrated, squeaky sort of sound, and ran away. Strong Bad and Homestar followed him.

-

They were still wandering the streets at sundown. The Cheat was leading the way, since he was the only one who knew the place. Strong Bad noticed that he'd started to mutter stuff in The Cheat. It was almost cute, if you didn't know what he was saying.

"So... when're we gonna stop walking around in circles like this?" said Homestar. "I'm getting dizzy."

"Homestar, we are not walking around in circles," said Strong Bad. He hesitated. "So... The Cheat... Where _are_ we going?"

"Dunno," said The Cheat. "I was following you. We've been down this street five times already."

"What?!" said Strong Bad.

That was the last time he ever trusted The Cheat to do something... He kicked at The Cheat, who dodged.

"Oh, he's probably halfway to Tijuana by now!" mocked Strong Bad, setting off down a bike path. "Stupid friggin' Cheats... Wasting my time..."

He could've been using that hour for something useful, like interrogating The Cheat's computer, or checking his email again, or like, getting Cheerleader's phone number and home address...

"Oooh, a detour," said Homestar, running ahead of Strong Bad. He turned a corner and disappeared from sight. A few seconds later, he returned.

"You guys have got to see this," he said breathlessly. "A real, live, black."

"Black what?" said Strong Bad.

"Just a black!" said Homestar.

Even though it was probably just Homestar being stupid, Strong Bad decided to take a look. If it was just a waste of time, it would at least give him an excuse to beat Homestar up. So they went down the path.

"See?" said Homestar.

"Whoa..." said Strong Bad, staring.

Homestar was right for once. There really was a black. A giant black stretching as far and high as Strong Bad could see. He had no idea why he hadn't seen it from the road.

"What is that?" said The Cheat.

"It's a black, of course!" said Homestar.

"It looks kinda like the uh, black at the sides of the real world," said Strong Bad, trying to figure out what it meant. "You know what I mean."

"Mah?" said The Cheat.

Homestar ran over, reached into the black, and pulled something out.

"And it has the words under it!" he said, showing them.

"What does 'rando' mean?" said The Cheat nervously. "Is that even a word?"

"That's one of the words from my website!" said Homestar, waving them around.

It was then that Strong Bad realised what was going on. Homestar could pick up the words from beneath the black, and that could mean only one thing. At least Homestar's head hadn't fallen off this time. Strong Bad glanced at Homestar, then at The Cheat, to see if they'd figured it out as well, but of course they hadn't.

The Cheat backed away slowly. Then he ran.

"The Cheat!" said Strong Bad, shaking his fist. "Come back here!"

The Cheat ignored him and continued running.

"Okay, fine!" yelled Strong Bad. "Maybe you'll find Strong Mad by running away like a little wimp!"

"Characters?" said Homestar, offering Strong Bad a word.

Strong Bad knocked it out of his hand.

"Not now!" he said. "Can't you see what's going on?"

"Uh..." said Homestar, trying to look as though he was thinking. "Nope. I got nothing."

"It's that virus!" said Strong Bad. "The one that infected my Compy!"

"Uh, wasn't that more like four hundred thousand viruses?" said Homestar.

"Whatever," said Strong Bad "What I'm saying is—"

_Done well._

"What the- Who said that?" said Strong Bad, looking around.

_We._

"Well that narrows it down!" said Strong Bad.

"Uh, Strong Bad? I think the air is talking to us," said Homestar.

_We a the survivor of Great 2004 Shotgunning._

Strong Bad took a second to work out what had just been said.

"Oh, you're the virus!" said Strong Bad. "Get out of here!"

_We likes here. This world we control down minutest. And soon have rest._

"Yeah, I don't speak idiot," said Strong Bad.

"But rest bad!" said Homestar suddenly. "Why do?"

Strong Bad punched himself in the head. Of course. He should've known.

_We purpose merger. Bad range. Escape TV tonight._

"Homestar, what are they saying?" said Strong Bad.

"They said they escaped from your computer after Bubs shotgunned it, and then they merged together and went into The Cheat's computer, but they don't have enough range to control everything, and at the big game tonight, they're gonna go into the TV cameras and take over the world," said Homestar quickly.

"All that from 'We purpose merger', huh? said Strong Bad.

"Of course not!" said Homestar. "All that from 'Escape TV tonight!'"

"Uh, if I was a reality bending virus, I think I'd do something a little more useful and cool than make everything... all generic looking," said Strong Bad, rubbing his chin. "How come we're the only ones who remember, anyway?"

_Unawake. No conscious attack._

"So... Me and Stupid over here remember because we were asleep at the time?" guessed Strong Bad.

_Correct. When TV multiply, all minds have._

"Well, whatever," said Strong Bad. He started to walk back towards what passed as reality. "Come on, we better get rid of the virus before it takes over the world."

_Fast not._

Homestar sat down. Onto thin air.

"Homestar, what are you—"

"These are some great marshmallows, eh Pom Pom?" said Homestar, in a strange voice.

"What?" said Strong Bad. "Pom Pom's not even here!"

"Why don't you look over there," continued Homestar. "For no reason."

He made a sucking noise, and Strong Bad remembered when Homestar had sounded like that.

"Oh no..." he muttered, then his Mexican accent got a lot more pronounced. "Oh, look at the babies! Eating their marshmallows!"

"Uh oh, it's the Brothers Strong!" said Homestar. "Strong Bad and Strong Mad!"

-

Over at the athletics field, Coach Z was scanning the streets and panicking. He'd got all the cameras set up, only to find that Victor hadn't arrived yet. Nobody seemed to know where he was. Not even Michelle, though she was refusing to even speak to him again. The game was going to start in fifteen minutes!

"Where's Victor got to?" he said to the air. "He's the Homestar Runner, for cripe's sake!"

The little Cheat kid who always followed Dan around nearly ran into him.

"Oh!" said Coach Z. "The Cheat! Have you seen Victor anywhere?"

"I could tell you..." sad The Cheat. "For a price."

"All I gots are these old used tissues," said Coach Z, digging them out of his pocket and offering them to The Cheat, who winced.

"Just tell me where Carlos is!" he said.

"Oh," said Coach Z. "He's in the locker room."

He'd had a hard time convincing Carlos not to climb into a locker and hide. Those things were expensive, probably.

"Merraneh!" said The Cheat, running for the locker room.

"Wait!" said Coach Z. "You forgot to tell me where my star athlete is!"

"There somewheres," said The Cheat, pointing to the west.

Coach Z wiped his forehead. All this was really tiring him out, and he needed a drink badly. He wished Dan hadn't taken his Listerine.

-

Back at the edge of the universe, a legend was being played out.

"Now how about my star back, Strong Bad?" said Homestar.

Strong Bad responded by mumbling and making a few tearing motions with his hands. When he was finished, Homestar kicked the air to the right of Strong Bad's head, then Strong Bad fell down. Homestar made a few more kicking motions.

"Homestar... RUN!"

Strong Bad sat up and rubbed his head, though he was completely unhurt.

"Is it over?" he asked in a more natural voice.

"Yeah, I think so," said Homestar. "Wasn't that fun, Strong Bad?"

Strong Bad failed to react, so Homestar repeated himself.

"Wasn't that fun? ...Strong Bad?"

"Uh, hello and welcome to The King of Town special edition DVD," said Strong Bad in his old voice. "I'm your host..."

"Now that is just pathetic," said Homestar. "The King of Town? You know you can do better than that!"


	6. Chapter 6

Author's Note: This is the last chapter. But I may not have explained everything properly, so I'm going to write an epilogue. Sometime.

-

Tristan found a corner of the locker room that wasn't too filthy and sat on the floor. There was no point in getting changed. He was probably just going to be benched for the entire game anyway. As usual. He really hated this sport. He would've preferred to be at home, writing poetry. In fact, he was going to try doing that now, while he wasn't being pummeled. Tristan closed his eyes and started thinking of a theme for his new poem. Death he'd been using too much lately. He briefly considered infinity, but for some reason, all he could think of was what Dan had said earlier. He couldn't seem to let go of it. Well, he'd never written a poem about an identity crisis...

"Ah, Tristan. Just the guy I wanted to see."

Tristan opened his eyes, expecting to see someone with no mouth for a second, but it was just Coach Z. Either he was wanted to play the best position on the team, or he was wanted to play a position, or he was wanted to go on a meaningless errand. It was probably the third one.

"Oh," he said. "Hey, Coach Z."

"I need you to go find Victor," said Coach Z. He indicated a direction vaguely. "He's over that way somewheres. Out on the streets."

"Oh," said Tristan again. "Okay."

He stood up and left the room.

-

On the other side of the locker room, The Cheat had found Carlos, and managed to cheer him up enough that he wasn't terrified of anything that moved. Now they were talking to the mayor, an old man that The Cheat couldn't stop thinking of as the King of Town. Apparently he'd come to watch the game because he wanted to be cooler.

"Give it up, king," said The Cheat.

"King?" said the mayor.

"I mean mayor. Mayor," said The Cheat. "You'll never be cool."

"Yes I will!" said the mayor. "I'm down!"

"Down with what?" said The Cheat. "Eating?"

The mayor didn't even look offended. The Cheat had only spoken to the him once before in his life, and he knew almost nothing about him, but he did know a lot about the King of Town. Treating the mayor like the King of Town seemed to be working well so far.

"I hope Victor gets here soon," said Pom Pom, from behind them. The Cheat could barely even remember Pom Pom's real name. He thought it was probably Reginald. Something long and stupid sounding like that.

"I'll say!" said Coach Z. "I'll have to be turning these here cameras on in a few minutes!"

"Remind me again why you guys need cameras?" said The Cheat. "You're playing against—"

"A live game is just what we need to put Free Country on the map!" interrupted the mayor. "Which is, like totally bodacious... Yo?"

-

Tristan wandered the streets, lost in thought. He knew that the big game was probably important to someone, but he was more interested in his own problems. Such as what he really looked like. Tristan glanced down for the third time to make sure he was still wearing clothes. He was, but they felt strange. It was confusing. Tristan considered the possibility that Dan was trying to brainwash him in his sleep again, but dismissed it. That wasn't really Dan's style anymore.

Tristan was thinking about how irritating it was when he couldn't remember important things, when he heard Victor say, "Oh, I bet you have. Let's hear your idea."

He thought he'd better do what Coach Z had asked him before the game started. He ran in the direction of the voice, and soon located Victor and Dan in front of a giant scary black thing. Victor was lying on the ground for some reason.

"Oh, great!" said Dan, when he noticed Tristan. "Now I'm stuck out here with two losers!"

"You're not stuck with me!" said Tristan. "You could leave—"

"I think that's enough, Strong Sad," said Victor, standing up.

"What?" said Tristan.

That was his name, he was sure of it.

"Strong Sad... Strong Sad!" said Victor.

"I'm right here!" said Tristan.

"He can't hear you, man," said Dan, as Victor continued talking. "Go tell The Cheat that his computer has a virus in it."

"Oh, why don't you just tell him yourself?" said Tristan, fed up with his brother's weirdness already.

"I..." said Dan. "Happy freaking birthday!"

"What?" said Tristan again. "Victor, you're late for the big game!"

"I guess I just don't understaaaand the laaaadies," replied Victor. He stared at nothing for a few seconds, then added, "Oh, crap! It's the big game already?"

"_Yes_!" said Tristan.

"Well... I'm kinda in the middle of something right now... could you call back later?" said Victor.

"Homestar, what is stopping you from coming right now?" said Tristan, who felt like punching Victor in the face.

"The virus in The Cheat's computer, of course!" said Victor. "So, if you could just get rid of it..."

"Okay, get the vegetable. Now let's cheese it!" said Dan helpfully. Or maybe he'd said "Cheat it." Tristan wasn't sure. Then

Dan said, "Look. Strong Sad. As much as I totally despise you as a person, and wish you'd get struck down by the, uh, buvomitic plague,"

"You mean the bubonic plague?" said Tristan.

"Yeah, probably," said Dan. "Anyways... You're our only hope! You've gotta shut down The Cheat's computer before the game starts! Oh man, you guys..."

"I am?" said Tristan.

"It's true," said Victor. "Now go forth, and pour melonade into The Cheat's computer!"

He picked up a bottle of melonade that was lying on the ground and offered it to Tristan.

"Why would I want to do that?" said Tristan, taking the bottle.

"Get famous... A little," said Dan. Then he said, "Just turn the computer off or something. Now move your fat butt before the virus takes over the world!"

"Uh... Okay," said Tristan uncertainly.

He had no idea what they were talking about, but it was obviously important to them. If Dan and Victor, weird as they both were, had got the idea that turning off The Cheat's computer would stop them from acting weirder than usual, then maybe it would. Maybe.

-

Tristan arrived at his house and looked at The Cheat's computer. It was turned on. Tristan sighed heavily and sat down. When he touched the mouse, it shocked him, knocking him to the ground. Tristan sat up and stared at the computer. That didn't usually happen. He didn't think computers were even set up to shock people. Not when they were working properly. He reached for the powerpoint, intending to pull the plug out. The power cord electrocuted him.

Or enough volts ran through him to kill him. Tristan had conducted a lot of research into the many ways he could die, so he was fairly certain that he should be dead. But he was just covered in soot. He had no third degree burns or anything. Unless he was in shock and the pain would set in later. That could still happen.

Tristan wondered how he could turn the computer off without touching it, then looked at the bottle of melonade. He thought back to what Victor had suggested. Was this virus they'd mentioned important enough to cause hundreds of dollars in property damage? He could always claim self defense, since the computer had tried to kill him, and everything. Tristan smiled slightly. Self defense against an inanimate object. That was funny. Well, he hoped The Cheat had backed up his files.

Tristan poured the bottle of melonade into the computer, shorting it out.

-

The Cheat searched in a locker for his cigarettes. He knew he'd hidden them in here somewhere... He listened to the others, who were babbling like idiots.

"We're gonna get clobbered!" said Coach Z.

"No really," said the mayor. "I can play guitar, even!"

"I WANNA BREAK SOMETHING!" said Carlos.

Everyone present clearly heard a zap. Then, everybody present got a splitting headache. The Cheat wondered what had just happened, and why he was standing in his smokes locker. He had a vague, lingering fear of going home, which vanished within ten seconds.

"Oh jeez..." said Coach Z, holding his head. "Did I pass out again?"

"Looks like you held one wicked party in here!" said The King of Town.

"Oh, I _hope_ you didn't," said Marzipan threateningly.

The Cheat jumped down, looked outside and noted that it was sunset. He wondered aloud who would have a wild party in the middle of the day.

"I would!" said The King of Town.

"Well, I need to get home and make sure Homestar didn't eat all my leftover tofu roast," said Marzipan, with one last

suspicious glance at Coach Z.

"I need to get home and make sure I did eat all the leftover deer roast!" said The King of Town.

"I need to get me a spaceman!" said Homsar.

Pom Pom bubbled an excuse as well.

"Aw, nuts," said Coach Z. "You guys were supposed to practice for the big game tomorrow!"

The Cheat and Strong Mad left to find out if Strong Bad knew why half the town had woken up in Coach Z's locker room with no memory of the past few hours. He usually would.

-

And a short distance away, Homestar stopped fighting with Strong Bad over an imaginary radish and looked around.

"Wow... Ow!" he said, because Strong Bad was still hitting him. "Everything's all, ooh! Cartoony again."

"Get out of the way, Homestar!" said Strong Bad, still using his old voice.

"Uh... Strong Bad?" said Homestar, ducking a punch.

"Holy crap!" said Strong Bad. "Holy crap!"

Homestar narrowed his eyes and tried to block a kick with an arm he didn't have.

"Strong Bad, I'm gonna go play with magnets in your computer room," he said.

"What?!" said Strong Bad, freezing. Then he held his head and shook it from side to side. "Whoa... Thanks for snapping me out of that, I guess."

"Snapping you out of it?" said Homestar, sounding confused. "I just told you I was going to play with magnets in your computer room!"

He pranced off, and Strong Bad gave chase through the field. The green, houseless field. He tackled Homestar just as he was entering Strong Bad's house, fished around in his pockets, and handcuffed Homestar's leg to a table. Hyperdimensional pockets were just one of the many benefits of being a cartoon character that Strong Bad had missed. They were way better than having fingers, anyway. Or having everything think he was crazy.

"Stay here," he told Homestar.

"What does a guy have to do to find a magnet around here?" said Homestar, who was apparently too stupid to notice what Strong Bad had done.

-

Strong Bad entered The Cheat's computer room, where Strong Sad was staring at the computer and looking puzzled. There was smoke coming out of the back. In Strong Bad's experience, smoke coming out of the back of a computer was rarely a good sign.

"What'd you do to The Cheat's computer?" he said angrily.

"I dunno, I—" said Strong Sad.

"I just said to turn it off or something!"

"Wait a minute!" said Strong Sad. "What do _you_ have to do with this?"

That should've been obvious. Unless...

"What, don't you remember?" said Strong Bad.

"Uh... No, I don't," said Strong Sad. "I just woke up and I was pouring melonade into the computer. Did you brainwash me in my sleep again?"

Homestar hopped into the room, dragging the chair behind him. He was waving a large magnet in the air.

"Congratulations, Strong Sad, you saved the world!" he said. "Return to starting point. Challenge again!"

"What?" said Strong Sad. "Strong Bad, what is going on?"

"Well... you're gonna get punched in the face if you don't go away in the next five seconds. That's what's going on," said Strong Bad, who didn't feel like explaining himself to Strong Sad after everything he'd been through.

Strong Sad went away.

"I hope you're going to pay for The Cheat's computer!" he said as he left.

"Wish your computer had a virus," muttered Strong Bad. "Hey uh, Homestar. Who were you gonna play in that game, anyway?"

He was curious. He hadn't seen anyone else around.

"Pile of Electronics State, of course!" said Homestar.

"So... You were gonna televise you, playing your freaked out game, against a TV, a microwave, and a VCR," said Strong Bad.

"It's America's pastime!" said Homestar, as Strong Bad picked up the empty bottle and inspected it.

"Homestar, that line was old like, five years ago," he said.

"Ma-hem," said a voice from below.

Strong Bad looked down. Then he looked up.

"Oh, hey The Cheat, Strong Mad," said Strong Bad nervously. The Cheat was staring at his ruined computer. "Uh, this isn't what it looks like. It was Strong Sad, he poured the melonade into your... Wah!"

Strong Bad ducked a punch from Strong Mad and ran for his life. Strong Mad gave chase.

"And so everything went back to normal," said Homestar cheerfully.

"Except normally, Strong Mad _isn't_ trying to kill me!" said Strong Bad, panting. "Help me out here!"

"Thanks for coming, everyone!" said Homestar.

Strong Sad entered his room and climbed into bed. He needed to sleep off his headache. Or at least nap off his headache. He turned towards the wall, trying to remember what he'd been trying to remember five minutes ago. And so he completely missed the dialogue box that had popped up on his computer.

_Download Complete_

AND... SCENE!


End file.
